Do we really want what we really want?
While riding in the car with me the other day, my son blurted out "Dad, I just want everything to be... the way I want it." Though the rambling of an almost 6 year old who certainly doesn't use his input/output senses in the ratio they were provided to us, I found his comment pretty profound. I wonder how many of us go through life assuming that getting what we want... is what we really want.
Taking this to its logical extreme, imagine your future void of any obstacles, challenges, and setbacks. Picture all of your present challenges being instantly gone. Now envision your past without all of those aches, sorrows, and hard times. Ever watch a movie with no conflict?
So the paradox is that we wish our problems gone, yet subconsciously somehow "like" them. Depending on your world view, this is puzzling or makes perfect sense. Those that believe that our lives have no meaning beyond being pro-creative animals will surely find it difficult to find meaning for the inner desire for opposition. If your belief is that our experience here is intentional, something like that of a school, where we are learning to overcome our weaknesses and gain knowledge (through observing our experiences and those of others), this paradox is not strange at all; it is part of the definition of our existence.
In reaction to my son's comment, my knee jerk reaction was effectively "no you don't wish everything is how you want it... you would be bored and life would be meaningless." It isn't hard for me to imagine up a strange world, governed by the strange and fickle desires of a 6 year old. Where vegetables don't exist and the stable food, candy, was good for you. Where everything changed dramatically from happy and pristine to dark and obtuse depending on how much sleep the master of this twisted universe had received. I am sure neither you nor I want to live in a universe dedicated to the pleasure seeking of a 6 year old... especially when that 6 year old realizes how miserable he is having everything he wants.
Of course the same applies to adults. Who are the most miserable of our society? Not those that have little, but those that have too much! Not necessarily "too much money", but "too much of what we want". But while we are on the topic of money, why is it that almost everyone has a deep conscious and sub-conscious desire for wealth. Well... wealth gets us most of what we think we want. But again, would we be happy if we got it? Take a look at the world's wealthiest people. To me it seems pretty clear that we would not be happy. Then why do we want it?
Could it be that we don't want success as a state, but as a goal? We seek the experience of attaining it. I remember countless times as a child working on some elaborate ship, base, or other product of imagination. Rarely when these products were finished did I spend much time actually playing with them; it was the challenge of designing and building them that I enjoyed the most.
I've heard comments about wealthy people like "they have enough, why are they trying to make more?" With the principle in mind that people subconsciously crave a challenge, it seems pretty obvious that someone who is wealthy, unless that person fundamentally changes their value system, will be utterly miserable unless they try to make more. But this loops back to the point that the stretching and growth that we seek does not have to take the form of increased money making. In fact, judging from the lives of those who have ventured far down this path, the pursuit of wealth (and power) seems a rather unsatisfactory road and a totally miserable destination.
Though I may not have learned anything fundamentally new in this exploration, I was served a reminder of a few things: First, I should realize that what I seek is a satisfying and productive journey, not some nebulous destination. Secondly, I should aim for targets that bring deep satisfaction in pursuit. Thirdly, I should look at my difficulties as being a tool for self-betterment and exploit them. The reaction I gave to my son was probably about right, and I think we both understood it.
Taking this to its logical extreme, imagine your future void of any obstacles, challenges, and setbacks. Picture all of your present challenges being instantly gone. Now envision your past without all of those aches, sorrows, and hard times. Ever watch a movie with no conflict?
So the paradox is that we wish our problems gone, yet subconsciously somehow "like" them. Depending on your world view, this is puzzling or makes perfect sense. Those that believe that our lives have no meaning beyond being pro-creative animals will surely find it difficult to find meaning for the inner desire for opposition. If your belief is that our experience here is intentional, something like that of a school, where we are learning to overcome our weaknesses and gain knowledge (through observing our experiences and those of others), this paradox is not strange at all; it is part of the definition of our existence.
In reaction to my son's comment, my knee jerk reaction was effectively "no you don't wish everything is how you want it... you would be bored and life would be meaningless." It isn't hard for me to imagine up a strange world, governed by the strange and fickle desires of a 6 year old. Where vegetables don't exist and the stable food, candy, was good for you. Where everything changed dramatically from happy and pristine to dark and obtuse depending on how much sleep the master of this twisted universe had received. I am sure neither you nor I want to live in a universe dedicated to the pleasure seeking of a 6 year old... especially when that 6 year old realizes how miserable he is having everything he wants.
Of course the same applies to adults. Who are the most miserable of our society? Not those that have little, but those that have too much! Not necessarily "too much money", but "too much of what we want". But while we are on the topic of money, why is it that almost everyone has a deep conscious and sub-conscious desire for wealth. Well... wealth gets us most of what we think we want. But again, would we be happy if we got it? Take a look at the world's wealthiest people. To me it seems pretty clear that we would not be happy. Then why do we want it?
Could it be that we don't want success as a state, but as a goal? We seek the experience of attaining it. I remember countless times as a child working on some elaborate ship, base, or other product of imagination. Rarely when these products were finished did I spend much time actually playing with them; it was the challenge of designing and building them that I enjoyed the most.
I've heard comments about wealthy people like "they have enough, why are they trying to make more?" With the principle in mind that people subconsciously crave a challenge, it seems pretty obvious that someone who is wealthy, unless that person fundamentally changes their value system, will be utterly miserable unless they try to make more. But this loops back to the point that the stretching and growth that we seek does not have to take the form of increased money making. In fact, judging from the lives of those who have ventured far down this path, the pursuit of wealth (and power) seems a rather unsatisfactory road and a totally miserable destination.
Though I may not have learned anything fundamentally new in this exploration, I was served a reminder of a few things: First, I should realize that what I seek is a satisfying and productive journey, not some nebulous destination. Secondly, I should aim for targets that bring deep satisfaction in pursuit. Thirdly, I should look at my difficulties as being a tool for self-betterment and exploit them. The reaction I gave to my son was probably about right, and I think we both understood it.
posted by Nathan Allan at
3:24 PM
1 Comments:
"does anyone really desire a future devoid of obstacles[?]" I suppose this is my point. I think many *do* assume this is what we want. If nothing else, there is power acknowledging what it is that we really want. It changes our expectations, and expectations are directly linked to happiness IMO.
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Nathan Allan, at 4:12 PM
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